Nair

I would like to tell you a story. While I was on my mission, I served in a place called Kalispell. While there, I found myself in a car share with two Elders by the names of Lanham and Henriksen. They are dear friends, and we had many a good times. Sometimes the Elders would have sleepovers. I will not begin to try to explain what happens at these sleepover. Just know that when Sister Ivie and I would ask, we would quickly withdraw the question when the Elders began to look uncomfortable answering.

Car Share in Ronan

There seemed to be an epidemic among the Elders in regards to leg shaving. In fact, one night, Ivie and I got a phone call from our Zone Leader asking us how to prevent razor burn on his thighs. After laughing for approximately 18 minutes, we got control of ourselves, and life could move forward. When we finally caught up with the Elders the next day, the first ones we saw were the Columbia Falls Elders,  Buckman and Colby. Being like, my best friend and all, it only made sense to tell Buckman about how our Zone Leader shaves his legs. We get done telling the story, holding the sides of our stomachs, and wiping tears from our eyes only to look at an abashed looking Elder Buckman looking back at us. "Oh, is that weird that he shaves his legs?" Buckman asked. "Um, yeah!" I respond, shocked that he was not sharing in the hilarity of it all. Elder Buckman looked slightly sheepish and changes the subject. Something was up.

Elder Buckman and Sister Buchanan

Eventually, Sister Ivie and I decided to ditch the Elders and to the rest of our P-Day shopping by ourselves. We stole the key from Elder Lanham, run across the parking lot, and began to suffocate in the heat of the enclosed vehicle. But something was terribly wrong. The most putrid, and foul odor I have ever experienced began to creep into my consciousness. "What is that?! Do you smell that??" I asked Sister Ivie. With a look of utter disdain that confirmed my fears, we began to search for the source of the stench. Glove compartment? No. Underneath the seats? No. Underneath the mats? No. I open up a little compartment on the dash, and what do I find? A seemingly harmless legal size envelope. I pick it up, and give out a little scream. "What is THAT?!" There was a dark brown goop seeping through the envelope that could quite possibly kill a small child if inhaled too quickly. My imagination began to run rampant as to what could be contained inside this envelope of death. I turn it over, and I behold that it is addressed to an "ELDER BUCKWOMAN" who was currently residing in Columbia Falls, Montana. It was Elder Lanham's handwriting.

 Henriksen, Lanham, Ivie, Buchanan

Trying not to vomit at the swelling stench that was killing us slowly, I bolt out of the car, envelope in hand and track down a one Elder Michael Lanham. "WHAT IS THIS???" I scream at him waving the defiled envelope in front of his face. A mixture of emotions plays across his face, and he finally gives me a sheepish grin. "So you found that, huh?" Ready to punch him in the face, I demand an explanation. Apparently, the Kalispell Elder and the Columbia Falls Elders had had a sleepover the night before, and Elder Buckman had Naired his legs. Vomit. Ever so sneakily, Elder Lanham swept up the remnants of his leg hair, and was going to mail it to him. I had to appreciate the sheer comedic genius of this plan, and began to laugh and laugh. Suddenly not feeling quite as hostile towards these fine servants of God, I told Elder Lanham we could only be friends again if he promised to clean out the car, and keep Elder Buckman's leg hair locked in the trunk. He complied, shampooed the carpets 4 times, and to this day if you asked Michael Lanham about Nair, I'm sure he would laugh.

I only bring this up because last night I had the single worst experience of my whole life. I tried to wax my underarms. I failed epically, and there is a perma-red patch that burn like the dickens. I refuse to go on, but from now until eternity I will be sticking with one of two options: Professionals from Vietnam, or Nair. I refuse to send you any in a legal size envelope, however. Thank you, and goodnight.