Published Thoughts

Today it was time to run away. Truthfully it was for no other reason than to face my thoughts. Today is a day where they are difficult to discern, to organize, to feel.

So I sit here alone, listening to the simple and calming tones of Iron & Wine. Perfection just may be tangible.

To my right come the noises of a small coffee shop, the smell of coffee beans mixed with cream and carmel lulling me into a unique state of bliss.

To my left is knowledge for the taking. Shelves and shelves of it. I listen to the bustle of thoughtful and anxious customers, the bags of previous purchases clutched closely to them, crinkling against their clothes as they meander from aisle to aisle. Teenage girls trying to feel grown-up strut past my small, round table wobbling in and out of their four-inch-wedges. I am swimming upstream amidst a sea of intellectuals, philosophers, fanatics, athletes, pretenders, teachers, free spirits and those of us still young at heart.

I am surrounded by dear friends I have never met. Faulker, Fitzgerald, Austen, Dickens, Conrad and Shakespeare.

The strums and finger-picking of the melodies playing softly in my ear take me away to different places, remembering long-ago loves, and moments of eminence.

I find joy in the simplistic.

Today, I wish to spend time with my thoughts. Change is in the wind; I feel its westerlies billowing toward me brushing the hair that frames my face softly against my cheek. But it's a feeling I can't brush away as easily as a wisp of hair.

Today I attended the temple. I was filled with overwhelming love for God and for the life he has blessed me with.

Here is an excerpt from an entry in a journal too often neglected:

"Time passes. Wounds heal. Memories fade. Hurt distills.

Today I walked out of the temple with my mind eased, though no less full. Peace became the barrier between making it and barely managing.

I walked outside on the beautiful April afternoon, the beauty and goodness of life swelling inside of me tempting my heart to burst. I had stepped into the cool shade. I was so preoccupied I hardly noticed the crisp feeling on my skin. I walked seven steps forward into the sunlight. Warmth, beauty and brightness engulfed my body.

Spring...My life these last few months seems to have been in sync with the changing seasons. My dark and cool winter has mercifully melted into a tender spring. There are still days of rain, days of clouds, days of gloom. But the sun comes out, its rays washing away any memory of cool despair. I bask in the radiance, knowing what lies ahead are days of summer."

Today some of my thoughts will be published, some will not. Some will be shared with those I love, those I trust. Some will be saved for only God. Some thoughts will be trapped in my subconscious until an unexpected force can make me feel what is necessary to face them once again.