Tears

I sat in a grey swivel chair, mindlessly twirling my bangs through my fingers to keep them from falling into my eyes. I carelessly looked up to my right and out the window. With a deep sigh, I pulled out the daydream I was in and realized it was time to get back to work. 

I clicked on the Google News bookmark on my Safari browser. I waited for my ancient commuter to load all 47 images impatiently tapping my toe to the song in my head. 

The top stories were about the Colorado shooting. I quickly clicked on the top story. It offered me some updated concrete details of the terror that happened in that dark theatre in Aurora. My newsfeed refreshed itself, and a headline caught my eye. "Witness tried to keep door closed on Colo. gunman" 

I opened the page, and the world around me began to dissolve. I was suddenly very aware of myself. My heart beating steadily in my chest. My eyelids blinking back tears as I read personal accounts of a young girl falling on a dead man. A mother who hears round after round fired, praying the bullets don't fall to her or her loved ones. A girl that slipped in the blood of another man as she tried to run. 

I read on. 

The tears that I had initially controlled started to flow freely. 

A tear for the mother back home that heard rumors of disaster at the theatre where her teenage children were watching a movie, suddenly aware of the temporary existence we all live. 

A tear for the sister searching for her brother in the pandaemonium that ensued following the murderous rampage. 

A tear for the child that stood crying trying to find her parents, while darkness and shouting seemed to consume her. 

A tear for the man who fears more for the life of his wife than his own. 

A tear for the father who will learn his daughter will never come home. 

I cried a tear for every story I read, and a tear for the ones I didn't. 

I cried a tear for the lost, twisted soul of the gunman. A tear for what he did, the choice he made, and the depths of Hell he will face.

I finished the article, my heart heavy and my shirt wet. I went to the back and locked myself in the bathroom. I turned away from the door to face the mirror. Wiping away the black smudges from underneath my eyes, I focused on what I saw staring back at me. 

It was a woman. She had lived a life of fullness. I looked in her eyes. They were troubled, pained even. Her soul was heavy. Those troubled eyes searched her own face, looking for answers. 

None would come. But despite the silence in response to the questions that circled within her mind, a familiar peace came. Simply, softly and serenely. It was enough. Though the weight of the world could not be solved with her, she had her influence for good. 

I realized in that moment that despite the evil, there are intense possibilities to fill everything in my life with goodness- but what's more, is that there are possibilities to recognize it. 

Tonight I watched the sun set into the mountains. the golden and pink rays reminding me of the hope that will come with each morning I strive to try again.