Everything I’m feeling has been felt before. Every thought swirling
through my clouded head has crossed the marquee flashing in my mind as my
eyelids grew heavy and I drifted into an uneasy sleep. The many emotions that fill
my heart are too numerous to be counted, but each has an element of familiarity
to it.
My life spins on an axis of predictability.
Tonight I rely on the words of dear friends to guide my
thoughts and quiet the fear. Tonight, the full effects of my femininity
threaten to dominate my soul, bidding tears to stream down my cheeks. Tonight,
my calloused heart is tired, but not nearly as tired as my mind that has been
in a frenzy all day.
If I could force my limbs to move as fast as the thoughts
that swirl I could rival the Olympic and world records of most marathon
runners. Often times, these thoughts, always the same, get the better of me.
They are fickle friends, these thoughts. We spend countless
hours together. Drives through the farms and back roads of Rexburg and Sugar
City, hours at a gym six minutes from my apartment and the moments of silence
where I lose myself are the times these friends and I bond.
The hours we have spent together have made these thoughts complacent, monotonous, predictable. I know what will trigger them. I know what will calm them.
Thoughts of the future are the most pressing. The realm of possibilities before me seems to widen and narrow with each shift of emotion or circumstance. I have no control. But my world will continue to spin, more likely than not in the same direction it always has. The predictability has become a trusted companion.
So tonight, the thoughts will swirl. The tears may come. But tomorrow, the cliche will remain as true as it was today when the sun rose. With the morning mist and the enchanting shadows of dawn will come a renewed determination to be better than before. To conquer the fears of the never-ending tomorrow and the regrets of yesterday. Tomorrow is a day to embrace the predictability and create beauty.
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